so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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