you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
