So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
