maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
