apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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