Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
