You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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