bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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