I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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