I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
