I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
