The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
