i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize