WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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