Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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