I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
