Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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