Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
