i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
