I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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