dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
