She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
