If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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