I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
