every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
