I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
