"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
