I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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