Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
