Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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