What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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