I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize