i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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