the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
only you would photoshop your dick
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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