The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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