wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
