Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
