She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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