Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
