pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
