if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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