I've blown a few things in my day
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This is my gift to your gina
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize