Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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