He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
