What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize