I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
