You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
