i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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