hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
