ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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