Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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