That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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