we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
