how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
