I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
