And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you will always have a special place in my vag
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
