You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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