The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
