if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
