I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
