i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
