Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
