I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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